A non-celebrity, Laura Simpson is best friends with Jennifer Lawrence, a major celebrity — as well as Dior spokesmuse. The two were thick as thieves at the Oscars, where Laura was Jennifer’s plus one. Hers was the neck JLaw inadvertently grabbed as she took one of her trademark tumbles on the red carpet. Now, Laura has written up that episode and more on her MySpace, which apparently still exists. She talks about the ceremony and the after-parties, mentioning who was super-cool and tactfully not mentioning those who weren’t. In all, she describes a glamorous yet stressful and pretty phony scene — lacking in food and booze. Here are the best bits…

“How did I get invited to the 86th Academy Awards, you ask? Well, my best friend took me as her date. I met her seven years ago at an event where we both didn’t know a single person. We hit it off over a mutual respect for Chandler Bing, and we’ve been eating pizza together ever since.”

“Right before you get to the red carpet, you get to Westboro Baptists with huge yellow signs of pictures of Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Paul Walker saying BURNING IN HELL and other despicable things. It’s so surreal and hate-filled, I feel like I am heading to my own personal Salem Witch Trial.”

“We finally arrive at the red carpet and as we exit the car, my date eats shit and uses my freshly done Lauren Conrad up do to break her fall. The crowd goes wild. There are flashbulbs and people circling yet no one asks if I need any help because unless you are famous at the Oscars, you are completely invisible.”

“…you realize you are STARVING and haven’t had any food since breakfast at 9 a.m. It’s hot and you feel like you’re going to pass out. After waiting for my date’s category, her dad and I decide to hit the bar and just watch from the monitor behind the bar and slam a few drinks to make this tolerable.”

“My date comes out after her category and we decide to watch the rest of the show in the greenroom where there is pizza. This is where the presenters and winners are hanging out and it’s pretty jarring. Some guy picks up my purse that had fallen off my seat and I say ‘Thank you… Channing Tatum’ and my dress gets caught on Jennifer Garner and we awkwardly laugh and someone tries to separate us. The lovely pregnant Kerry Washington asks me if she could have the Slim Jim in my purse.”

“After the show we go backstage where I meet Brad and Angelina. Brad Pitt smells amazing, like nothing I’ve ever smelled. Eventually we ask what cologne he’s wearing and he tells us, ‘I don’t wear cologne, it’s just my musk I guess.’ I have to choose not to believe him because it would just be unfair to mankind. Angelina is gorgeous and elegant and they are like The Sun and The Moon.”

“…[I] decide to follow Bill Murray around the party. At one point he looks in my direction and winks at me while dancing to ‘If You Want My Body and You Think I’m Sexy’ by Rod Stewart—a moment, I now realize, my whole life had been leading up to.”

“I get home around 3:30 a.m. with an earring/hair headache and major Barbie feet. The whole experience was completely exhausting, overwhelming and surreal. I think what I took most away from the evening was how lovely all the women were. Actresses tend to get a bad reputation but every woman I met was lovely, witty and introduced themselves to me even though I wasn’t famous—even Anne Hathaway. And Kerry Washington, if your marriage doesn’t work out… CALL ME.”