Happy 80th, Joan Rivers!

Of all the great things Joan Rivers is — hilarious, wise, bitchy, generous, crude, loyal — perhaps what stands out the most is her trooper attitude. We remember when she hosted the Clio Awards in advertising last year, a job that demanded a lot of speaking and stand-up comedy, not just waiting in the wings. She was very ill with a cold, but was able to rally and carry the night like a pro, even if her already gravely voice was inaudibly gravely for a lot of it. She addressed her hoarseness with a couple of blow job gags and the crowd was hers.

To Joan, the joke must go on, whether it’s about the indignities of aging, the absurdity of sex, the stupidity of celebrity (and celebrities), or the folly of fashion. At the end of the day, as she said to a heckler in the 2010 documentary A Piece of Work, “Let me tell you what comedy is about. Comedy is to let people laugh at everything and deal with things.” And so, to help her laugh in the face of 80, we’ve collected her funniest jokes over the years…

“I can’t like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There’s just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays.”

“I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”

“A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.”

“Anyone who takes [fashion] seriously is a fool. Anna Wintour, just take your broom and stick it up your ass.”

“If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.”

“Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn’t. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm full of children. I think she got them at Costco.”

“Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.”

“I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.'”

“I hate thin people: ‘Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?'”

“I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.”

“My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I’d scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus. That way, I’d visit him every day.”

“My boobs are so low I had to put curb feelers on my nipples!”

“The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate’. For me that would be a shroud.”

“I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, ‘Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.'”

“Grandchildren can be fucking annoying. How many times can you go, ‘And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink?’ It’s like talking to a supermodel.”

“Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.”

“I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.”

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