Cynthia Plaster Caster Wants to Make a Cast of Santa Claus

How better to end a floppy year than with an uplifting Q&A with the legendary Cynthia Plaster Caster, she who, with the hopes of bedding rock stars, began casting their naughty bits in the 1960s? Her first cast is also her most famous, Jimi Hendrix. An equal-opportunity artist, she’s recently started casting women’s breasts. Here’s hoping her casts are shape of things to come next year…

What does Cynthia Plaster Caster want for Christmas?
I want Santa to make a nice big pledge to my Kickstarter project to help me finish my memoir, Plaster of Paradise. I think the incentive most fitting for a man of his stature is the limited-edition copy of Jimi Hendrix’s cast, for a pledge of $2,000.

Have you done a cast of Santa?
I have yet to cast any bearded man. But a superhero like Santa is always welcome in my collection. One of his elves can be the plater, while another can prop up his stomach so I can reach that dick.

Besides Santa, who are your dream casts?
I dream of casting Marianne Faithfull and Keith Richards. More of a pipe dream, because realistically, the times are long gone when they might’ve considered being casted. It tends to be a spur-of-the-moment kind of thing that happens shortly after I pop the question. You’ve got to work fast after the butterfly net has bagged the prey!

What does Cynthia Plaster Caster give for Christmas?
Each year I send out holiday cards to friends, with a theme only a Plaster Caster would come up with.

What was your best Christmas present ever?
My pink and white girl’s Schwinn bike. When my father started losing his mind, he rode it around the block wearing a suit and fedora hat.

What is your ultimate stocking stuffer?
Hmm, let’s see. Off the top of my head, I’d like my stocking to be overstuffed with Javier Bardem.

Any casting plans for the new year?
I try never to make a plan. Whenever I announce that so-and-so says they’ll pose for me, it never happens. I call it the Curse of the Caster.

Any New Year’s resolutions?
To finish my goddam book—at last!

What other hands-on crafts do you practice besides casting?
None, but I’d love to learn how to use a sewing machine after I finish my book. For now I keep my sewing chops sharp by darning my socks.

What was your worst public fashion faux pas?
Being filmed bra-less in the early-70s documentary Groupies while stuffing my face with potato chips.

What was your most glamourous moment?
Wearing a Zac Posen for Target dress with a crystal penis pendant for my lecture at Participant Inc. last year.

Any casting nightmares on the operating table?
Several mold failures, which were not because of the cock. No, no, no. All my fault. Bad, bad caster.

For my own pervy pleasure, what was [The Who’s] Keith Moon like?
Impish, polite, big brown Keane eyes. Very phlegmatic when he agreed to let me try to melt wax over his crotch, before I’d discovered dental mold.

How does a good-looking Latino hairy gay like me get a session with the master caster? Santa will tell you I was a good boy this year.
Once you pass the audition, my son. You’ll have to bring that band of yours to my town!