Fashion victims will try anything twice, but dressing up as the fat fool with the sleigh needs to be stopped. As we like to say, it isn’t sexy enough for Soho, where, incidentally, a gang of Santas ran amok on Saturday night, scaring the Chinese pimps and their skinny ho’s.

Icons are people you want to be or want to fuck. But while Iggy Pop proves you can survive a lifetime of bad-hair days and still be considered cool, the white wig just isn’t working for creepy Claus, the least fashionable guy on the planet.

There have been attempts to make Santa Baby sexy, but they haven’t worked. Love the song, but don’t get me started on the red suit, which could walk around by itself, considering the number of times it’s been rented.

Maybe fat men can be cool. I just can’t think of any, except André Leon Talley, and he did the right thing and went on a diet. In any normal society, a jovial fat man who hangs with elves and little people whose bedrooms he enters via the chimney would be arrested. Only moms think that fatties can be trusted, while Kate Moss must be up to something because she’s suspiciously thin.

Parents spend all year telling their kids not to talk to strange men, then take them to a mall and push them into the lap of an old git in a face merkin. Sinister Santa is probs a pedo, but Christmas is a party that’s not going to stop any time soon. I like presents as much as the next greedy girl, especially expensive ones, but I always save room in my stockings for a plastic poo to stick on an old boyfriend’s car.

Father Christmas is the most uncool dude on the planet, with the possible exception of Jesus, whose day he hijacked. Popular isn’t the same as attractive, but try telling that to the elf pimp when even Jews celebrate Christmas. And if a man wants to wear a dress, fine, but let’s not make it an ill-fitting one in a scratchy fabric. Nouch!

Mr. Claus, I’m warning you. I only kiss men I fancy, and that’s so not you. I’m too old for you anyway.