We’re not necessarily against the notion of Lindsay Lohan as an art star, however protean and nebulous such a notion necessarily is. So we’re not categorically averse to seeing her in a 90-second “motion portrait” by painter Richard Phillips, debuting next week at the Venice Biennale as part of a collection of short art films curated by Neville Wakefield. She sunbathes in a bra, watches waves roll in, stares off into the horizon from an infinity pool, and basically seems very pensive and at one with herself, all while never interrupting the higher-plane vibe with something so tedious as speaking.

It some ways it’s a conceptual, James Franco-like celebri-stunt, were it not for an email we got from Phillips’ gallery, Gagosian. In it, he’s quoted as saying, “Lindsay has an incredible emotional and physical presence on screen that holds an existential vulnerability, while harnessing the power of the transcendental—the moment in transition. She is able to connect with us past all of our memory and projection, expressing our own inner eminence.” Sure, we’ll go along with the physical presence part, even the existential vulnerability part. But inner eminence? Connecting with us past all of our memory and projection? We’re familiar with lofty art speak, but huh? So, yeah, we’re gonna say no; in this case, we’re not seeing her as an art star.