Hi Robbie Rob!
I’m a pop/reality TV star going thru a fictional divorce. Recently my husband/pimp secretly recorded me and him and me and a Playmate pal doing it. Now he says he’s gonna sell it for $5 million buckaroos! PERVY!! Even worse, some of the tape is from b4 I got a surgical reinvention. Anywayz, I ♥ what u did 4 a fellow reality star Housewife in NJ when she was the victim of an unfortunate sex tape leak. I need a new look for a press conference I’m going to schedule where I plan to deny any involvement whatsoever. 
Mrs. Hills

Dear Mrs. Hills,
Can I call you Heidi? Whenever I think of hills, I naturally think of the Alps (those are mountains in Europe) and when I think of the Alps, I naturally think of girls named Heidi. But I digress. Here’s a tearjerking press conference look just for you…

Donna Karan laser-cut leather gloves: $1,295
The holes in these gloves coordinate flawlessly with the holes in your brain.

Brian Atwood platform sandals: $2,085
No walk of shame is complete without a Lucite pump.

Solange Azagury-Partridge Hot Lips lacquered sterling silver ring: $1,500
This ring is only slightly smaller than your current lips. Not those. Those!

Alexander McQueen knit leggings: $1,020
Nothing like a baroque legging to conceal a persistent cameltoe.

sliced red onion: $0.85
If the plastic surgeon left your tear ducts in, you’re going to need to cry at the press conference.

Yves Saint Laurent leopard-print cashmere-blend scarf: $995
You campaigned for McCain, right? Now you can look just as splotchy.

Missoni cobweb crochet top: $1,255
Do not wear a bra under this. “Accidental” nip slip = cover of InTouch!

Oliver Peoples acetate glasses: $315
People might not notice how stupid you are as long as you’re wearing nerd glasses.

Alexander Wang Sydney velvet backpack: $775
A backpack is great for a girl like you. With both hands free, you can pleasure your man and your Playboy bunny pal.

Grand total: $9240

Next stop, Dancing with the Stars! XXOO, Rob

Email your problem and picture to Robert. If he’s moved, touched or turned on, he’ll virtually style you in the best fashion has to offer. Also visit his blog, The Barr Code.