Hi Robbie Rob!
I’m a pop/reality TV star going thru a fictional divorce. Recently my husband/pimp secretly recorded me and him and me and a Playmate pal doing it. Now he says he’s gonna sell it for $5 million buckaroos! PERVY!! Even worse, some of the tape is from b4 I got a surgical reinvention. Anywayz, I ♥ what u did 4 a fellow reality star Housewife in NJ when she was the victim of an unfortunate sex tape leak. I need a new look for a press conference I’m going to schedule where I plan to deny any involvement whatsoever.
Dear Mrs. Hills,
Can I call you Heidi? Whenever I think of hills, I naturally think of the Alps (those are mountains in Europe) and when I think of the Alps, I naturally think of girls named Heidi. But I digress. Here’s a tearjerking press conference look just for you…
Donna Karan laser-cut leather gloves: $1,295
The holes in these gloves coordinate flawlessly with the holes in your brain.
Brian Atwood platform sandals: $2,085
No walk of shame is complete without a Lucite pump.
Solange Azagury-Partridge Hot Lips lacquered sterling silver ring: $1,500
This ring is only slightly smaller than your current lips. Not those. Those!
Alexander McQueen knit leggings: $1,020
Nothing like a baroque legging to conceal a persistent cameltoe.
sliced red onion: $0.85
If the plastic surgeon left your tear ducts in, you’re going to need to cry at the press conference.
Yves Saint Laurent leopard-print cashmere-blend scarf: $995
You campaigned for McCain, right? Now you can look just as splotchy.
Missoni cobweb crochet top: $1,255
Do not wear a bra under this. “Accidental” nip slip = cover of InTouch!
Oliver Peoples acetate glasses: $315
People might not notice how stupid you are as long as you’re wearing nerd glasses.
Alexander Wang Sydney velvet backpack: $775
A backpack is great for a girl like you. With both hands free, you can pleasure your man and your Playboy bunny pal.
Grand total: $9240
Next stop, Dancing with the Stars! XXOO, Rob