God Morgon, Mr. Barr:
I have recently formalized my divorce from an Ambien-popping, stripper-sexting, philandering golf star. In exchange for my silence, my ex has paid me enough money to buy my native country. Normally, I dress like a sporty young mom, but now that I’m single, I’m ready to mingle in a look that’ll make every man’s 9 iron as hard as titanium. I used to be married to a tiger, now I’m going to be a cougar.
Pussah! Miss Woodchopper
Dear Miss Woodchopper,
Brava! You are a shining example of gold-digging done elegantly. To paraphrase one of my personal heroes, Mrs. Ivana Trump, you didn’t get mad, you got everything! I’ve put together a sexy all-black look for you that’s sure to turn you into the hottest MILF on earth…
Balmain suede V-neck dress: $10,085
Nothing says gay cougar divorcée like a short black dress with a plunging neckline.
Hervé Léger lace-up skinny pants: $2,650
Getting these off is going to be hella tricky, but you’ve got to make the next man who wants to taste your lingonberry jam work for it, girl!
Kiki de Montparnasse lace garter tank top: $295
A crotchless bodysuit? Talk about a hole-in-one!
Azzedine Alaïa studded suede belt: $2,460
There’s a stud on this for every million you got in the divorce settlement.
Burberry leather gloves: $375
Everyone knows cash is full of germs. What better way to keep your hands microbe-free than these lovely gloves?
Alexander Wang goat-fur boots: $925
Show off your savage sex appeal in these totally cavewoman boots.
John Hardy tiger-head earrings, ring & cuff links: $2,180
Commemorate your kill with a suite of tiger-themed bijoux.
Lanvin python bag: $3,470
You were married to a snake, now you can carry all his money and stash it in this python bag…
The Truth about Cheating: $6.75
Let’s make sure this never happens again!
Grand total: Who cares? You’re rich!
I’m so proud of you! Rob