(text from +15167****79)
Hey B.S. It’s the big D.L. My fashion designer actress child is going to jail today! It’s so unfair! I’m the white Oprah and she’s the lesbian Mandela. I need a hot look for the court steps paparazzi perp walk that can also work for my Larry King interview and first-day-of-jail after-party. I’m a cougar and wanna look like one. Muah!

(reply from +13233****02)
Who you calling B.S., lady? Oh, you mean Barr Service! So hey, long time no see! Sorry L.L. has a case of the incarcerations. Who needs alcohol education anyway? Lame. Here’s an easy-breezy look that’ll take you from the court steps to CNN to the after-party effortlessly…

Louis Mariette crystal tiara: $345
Something to go with your Long Island Mother of the Year award.

Carine Gibson silk-satin thong: $285
In case you have to hit Samantha up for some coins, now that Lindsay’s not supporting you anymore, make sure you’ve got on some decent panties.

The Wine Rack sports bra (able to hold 25 oz of wine): $29.95
Three months is a long time and we don’t want you getting a case of the D.T.s, now do we?

Proenza Schouler long-sleeved sequin top: $1,490
Ladies like you tend to have flabby under-arm, so why not cover them with sequins?

Anita Ko rose-gold diamond wing ring + snake earrings: $4,620 + $385
The ring will show the world you’re the wind beneath Lindsay’s wings. And the earrings will go perfectly with your personality.

D&G rabbit jacket: $1,995
It’s cruelty free, I swear.

Hervé Léger bandage mini-skirt: $720
Show that ex of yours all that flat ass he’s missing!

Vionnet wool crepe gaiters: $575
Wear these and you’ll get fewer rug burns.

Christian Louboutin ”Big Lips” pumps: $995
I can’t believe Christian named a pair of shoes after your genitals. I’m so jealous!

Linda Farrow Luxe cat-eye snakeskin sunglasses: $640
Nothing’s chicer than a SCRAM alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet, but these are pretty great too.

Alexander McQueen knuckleduster clutch: $2,295
If you run into any of your daughter’s bill collectors outside the courthouse, you can show ‘em who’s boss!

Grand total: $14,374

Don’t forget to keep the original tags attached for returns! FREE Winona!
R.B.

Email your problem and picture to Robert. If he’s moved, touched or turned on, he’ll virtually style you in the best fashion has to offer. Also visit his blog, The Barr Code.