Dear Service Barr,
I’m international superstar soccer from Brasil. Before the World Cup start, my staff and I formulate plan to make me new David Beckham or Ronaldo, but my team was been eliminated and all plans are ruined! I shoot the Vanity Fair with Leibowitz woman, but still the phone no ringing and my underwear campaign are canceled! My agent say the fastest way to become USA star is sex tape. I already make a solo sex tape for Brasil (photos attached), but we plan a bisexualism threesome for American market! Something for everyone! Muito escandaloso, no? I will be bigger star than Pam, Paris or Kim! Can you assemble a fashion look for my big media campaign where I deny releasing the tape myself? GOAL!
Bom dia, AP!
First off, sorry about the whole “being eliminated from the World Cup when you were expected to win thing.” But based on your photos, you’ve got more than enough to keep you busy at home. And as far as I’m concerned, Ronaldo looks like a freshly glazed Peiking Duck. You’re destined for big things!…
Black Fleece gray tartan bow tie: $85
Personally, I have trouble believing anyone who wears a bow tie ever has sex, so this will make your denials seem very believable.
Kris Van Assche asymmetrical collar shirt: $400
I know, I know…more plaid. But listen, we’re trying to make you look like the kind of person who would never leak his own sex tape for publicité. And the kind of man who wears three plaids at once is not that sort of man. Trust me.
Black Fleece tartan jacket + wool/mohair trousers: $950 + $450
This combo gives me a Republican Country Club feeling. And lord knows Republicans never get into sex scandals (that don’t involve public toilets, call-girl rings or male Congressional pages).
Costume National felt hat: $102
As Joe Cocker once said, “You can leave your hat on” (with me—please call!).
John Galliano suspenders: $108
Just in case the weight of your monster gets to be too much and your inseam splits.
Salvatore Ferragamo crocodile and suede shoes: $6,350
If you’re gonna pimp a sex tape, you might as well wear pimp shoes.
Costume nerd glasses: $2.99
2010 is all about geek chic, doll.
The no pubes look from your photos feels too 90’s Bel Ami to me. The gays will love you more with a little bush happening. Oh, BTW, make sure the glue you use to stick this on really sticks. The last thing you’d want is for your pubic wig to fall off. Talk about coitus interruptus!
Grand total: $8,508
From my balls to yours,