How’s it Hangin, Hint?
It’s the former First Dude writin’ you all the way from the Great White North (that ain’t meant to sound racist). Don’t tell no one, but wifey’s plannin’ a run for the White House in 2012. As a potential First Lady, I’m told I need to get my fashion game up to snuff so I can appeal to “the gays” and lady voters. Problem is, I never met no gay person (does a rest stop in Fairbanks count?) and I ain’t got no idea what fashion is! Take pity on a dude and organize me a look that’ll make me as fashionable as that tall colored woman married to the Afro-Muslim communist we’ve got in there currently.
Have a teabaggin’ 4th! TP
Well hello TP,
I never imagined I’d be hearing from you! I totally feel where you’re coming from about getting your fashion game together to compete with MObama. She’s all about a fresh, 21st-century Jackie O. look, so for you I’m thinking…patriotic dandy! Debut this look on the campaign trail and wifey’s sure to get all the gay/lady votes you could ever hope for…
Rodarte open-knit cardigan: $2,760
Your marriage will surely fall apart, why shouldn’t your sweater?
M-Ojo Risin’ chain hat: $485
Chains on black leather (plus that goatee of yours) will practically guarantee the S&M vote. Peter Marino would probably help you fundraise.
Pierre Hardy X DC Comics Superman bag: $1,867
Sure, a man purse is ga-ga-gay, but don’t you think the Superman logo makes it like totally butch?
Moncler Gamme Bleu puff jacket: $2,750
Warm, fuzzy and stylish…the opposite of your wife.
Givenchy “Jesus Is Lord” T-shirt: $282
The perfect thing to wear for the Second Coming.
Maison Martin Margiela striped printed trouser: $525
These’ll do amazing things for your ass. Wear them and you’ll get the top vote for Sarah.
Marc Jacobs “I Am Star” scarf: $856
Wave this at your next Tea Party and/or birther rally.
Tami bejeweled cat cane: $2,405
Use this to tame that crazy pussy you’ve got at home.
Oakley sunglasses: $236
These have built-in binoculars so you can see Russia from your house even better.
Christian Louboutin Rantus Orlato leopard sneakers: $945
With these you can match your wife’s spotty politics.
Planned Parenthood one-month supply of the pill: FREE
Not for you, silly. For Bristol! And anyone else in your family likely to reproduce, then cram abstinence down our throats.
Petco spiked leather pit bull muzzle: $95
Do America a favor and give this to your wife. You betcha!
Grand total: $13,208
If Sarah won’t let you have the debit card, maybe Levi can loan you some of his Playgirl money.
Enjoy the fireworks this weekend,