Barr Service

How’s it Hangin, Hint?
It’s the former First Dude writin’ you all the way from the Great White North (that ain’t meant to sound racist). Don’t tell no one, but wifey’s plannin’ a run for the White House in 2012. As a potential First Lady, I’m told I need to get my fashion game up to snuff so I can appeal to “the gays” and lady voters. Problem is, I never met no gay person (does a rest stop in Fairbanks count?) and I ain’t got no idea what fashion is! Take pity on a dude and organize me a look that’ll make me as fashionable as that tall colored woman married to the Afro-Muslim communist we’ve got in there currently.
Have a teabaggin’ 4th! TP

Well hello TP,
I never imagined I’d be hearing from you! I totally feel where you’re coming from about getting your fashion game together to compete with MObama. She’s all about a fresh, 21st-century Jackie O. look, so for you I’m thinking…patriotic dandy! Debut this look on the campaign trail and wifey’s sure to get all the gay/lady votes you could ever hope for…

Rodarte open-knit cardigan: $2,760
Your marriage will surely fall apart, why shouldn’t your sweater?

M-Ojo Risin’ chain hat: $485
Chains on black leather (plus that goatee of yours) will practically guarantee the S&M vote. Peter Marino would probably help you fundraise.

Pierre Hardy X DC Comics Superman bag: $1,867
Sure, a man purse is ga-ga-gay, but don’t you think the Superman logo makes it like totally butch?

Moncler Gamme Bleu puff jacket: $2,750
Warm, fuzzy and stylish…the opposite of your wife.

Givenchy “Jesus Is Lord” T-shirt: $282
The perfect thing to wear for the Second Coming.

Maison Martin Margiela striped printed trouser: $525
These’ll do amazing things for your ass. Wear them and you’ll get the top vote for Sarah.

Marc Jacobs “I Am Star” scarf: $856
Wave this at your next Tea Party and/or birther rally.

Tami bejeweled cat cane: $2,405
Use this to tame that crazy pussy you’ve got at home.

Oakley sunglasses: $236
These have built-in binoculars so you can see Russia from your house even better.

Christian Louboutin Rantus Orlato leopard sneakers: $945
With these you can match your wife’s spotty politics.

Planned Parenthood one-month supply of the pill: FREE
Not for you, silly. For Bristol! And anyone else in your family likely to reproduce, then cram abstinence down our throats.

Petco spiked leather pit bull muzzle: $95
Do America a favor and give this to your wife. You betcha!

Grand total: $13,208
If Sarah won’t let you have the debit card, maybe Levi can loan you some of his Playgirl money.

Enjoy the fireworks this weekend,

Email your problem and picture to Robert. If he’s moved, touched or turned on, he’ll virtually style you in the best fashion has to offer. Also visit his blog, The Barr Code.

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