How you doin’, Hint Mag?
I’m a good Christian (well, Catholic actually, but tomato/tomatoe) single housewife/MILF who happens to be the lead on a really real reality television show on basic cable. A dude that I was dating last fall secretly taped us getting intimate and now the tape’s being released and all hell’s about to break loose. Normally I dress sexy sophisticated but my model daughter (she’s at IMG) says this whole prostitution-whore XXX scandal means I need a conservative look for my upcoming media tour. Frankly, I didn’t know how to spell “conservative” before yesterday and I definitely don’t know what it means when it comes to fashion. Help!
Bridge and Tunnel Babe

Well, how you doin’ B&TB?
Listen, who hasn’t been involved in an “accidentally” leaked sex tape scandal? Don’t fret my pet, one good sex tape equals a whole new career. Look at Paris, Kim Kardashian and Screech. I mean, how do you think I got this amazing gig at Hint? Here’s what I’ve whipped up for you…

Kazuo Kawasaki eyeglasses: $249
Even a dumb bitch like you who let some random sleazy dude film you doing the nasty will look smarter wearing these.

Bump It Up hair volumizer: $10
As they say in Texas, “The higher the hair, the closer to God.”

American flag pin: $1
A bit of patriotism will do wonders for your reputation.

Doma leather jacket: $247
Hester Prynne wore a scarlet letter, you should wear some scarlet leather.

Giambattista Valli bouclé pencil skirt: $960
If I find out you shortened this skirt by even a millimeter, I’m putting a hit on your ass!

“Jesus, King of Kings, Lord of Lords” praise purse: $49
Just in case people don’t get it that you’ve “reformed,” this purse will spell it out.

Leggs control top pantyhose: $2
What’s wrong with being a cheap ho in cheap hose?

Naughty Monkey red plastic peep-toe pumps: $89
Yes, yes, I know these are cheap. But serious Christian women DO NOT wear designer shoes.

Imitation Leather Holy Bible: free (snatched from church)
Hold this on your lap while those ladies on The View grill you and Hasselbeck will totally have your back.

Mimi Holiday by Damaris leopard-print silk chiffon bra: $90
If this whole “good girl” routine starts to be too much, just remember you’ve got on a tarty bra.

Grand total: $1698

Praise the Lord and Pass the Lubrication. Best, Robbie

Email your problem and picture to Robert. If he’s moved, touched or turned on, he’ll virtually style you in the best fashion has to offer. Also visit his blog, The Barr Code.