How you doin’, Hint Mag?
I’m a good Christian (well, Catholic actually, but tomato/tomatoe) single housewife/MILF who happens to be the lead on a really real reality television show on basic cable. A dude that I was dating last fall secretly taped us getting intimate and now the tape’s being released and all hell’s about to break loose. Normally I dress sexy sophisticated but my model daughter (she’s at IMG) says this whole prostitution-whore XXX scandal means I need a conservative look for my upcoming media tour. Frankly, I didn’t know how to spell “conservative” before yesterday and I definitely don’t know what it means when it comes to fashion. Help!
Bridge and Tunnel Babe
Well, how you doin’ B&TB?
Listen, who hasn’t been involved in an “accidentally” leaked sex tape scandal? Don’t fret my pet, one good sex tape equals a whole new career. Look at Paris, Kim Kardashian and Screech. I mean, how do you think I got this amazing gig at Hint? Here’s what I’ve whipped up for you…
Kazuo Kawasaki eyeglasses: $249
Even a dumb bitch like you who let some random sleazy dude film you doing the nasty will look smarter wearing these.
Bump It Up hair volumizer: $10
As they say in Texas, “The higher the hair, the closer to God.”
American flag pin: $1
A bit of patriotism will do wonders for your reputation.
Doma leather jacket: $247
Hester Prynne wore a scarlet letter, you should wear some scarlet leather.
Giambattista Valli bouclé pencil skirt: $960
If I find out you shortened this skirt by even a millimeter, I’m putting a hit on your ass!
“Jesus, King of Kings, Lord of Lords” praise purse: $49
Just in case people don’t get it that you’ve “reformed,” this purse will spell it out.
Leggs control top pantyhose: $2
What’s wrong with being a cheap ho in cheap hose?
Naughty Monkey red plastic peep-toe pumps: $89
Yes, yes, I know these are cheap. But serious Christian women DO NOT wear designer shoes.
Imitation Leather Holy Bible: free (snatched from church)
Hold this on your lap while those ladies on The View grill you and Hasselbeck will totally have your back.
Mimi Holiday by Damaris leopard-print silk chiffon bra: $90
If this whole “good girl” routine starts to be too much, just remember you’ve got on a tarty bra.
Grand total: $1698
Praise the Lord and Pass the Lubrication. Best, Robbie