How do you do, Barr Service?
I’m soon to be the ex-wife of a prominent former politician. The inconvenient truth is that, despite the fact we’ve been together over 40 years, we’ve just grown apart. He’s got his Oscar and Nobel Peace Prize. He’s jetting around the globe trying to save the planet, helping orchestrate the release of North Korean hostages. But where do I fit in? When does he have any time for me? To make matters worse, his sex-crazed former boss has been married to his wife just as long, and they’re still together! WTF? I need you to put together a sassy, sexy, figure-flattering look to make this former Second Lady into a comely cougar.
Well hello TG,
First off, my condolences on the death of your marriage. Being back on the market after 40 years of wedded bliss sounds intense, but I’ve got just the look for you…
Alice by Temperley tiger-print cotton jumpsuit: $395
You said cougar, but based on that photo, I see a tigress!
Stella McCartney lace bodysuit: $120
Hunting for a new man means hunting for some new lingerie, so start prowling.
Zac Posen ostrich feather bolero: $1,240
The key to trapping a man is making them want to feel you up, and who won’t want to put their hands all over you in this fine feathered number?
Wolford fishnet stay-ups: $62
Nothing says “looking for some young meat” like a pair of fishnet thigh-highs.
I know you’re way past worrying about getting pregnant, but you can never be too careful about a new disease on the scene!
One latex dental dam (strawberry): $1.50
Just in case you feel like exploring any long repressed same-sex desires….
Giuseppe Zanoti mirror-embellished suede sandals: $795
Nothing says “fuck me” like a pair of mirror encrusted stiletto sandals.
Diane von Furstenberg glazed canvas tote: $75
Hey, a girl on the go needs a big bag to keep fresh panties, mouthwash and…
Kirin sparkling Chinese chardonnay in a can
Who’s got time for corkscrews and wine glasses? You’re a liberated woman!
Viagra: $7.50 each
Keep a few of these in your purse just in case you hook up with an older hottie.
Madonna for Dolce & Gabbana sunglasses: $290
What cougar look would be complete without lunettes from a celebrity cougar? Keep these on at all times and no one will notice your crow’s feet.
Grand total: $2,988
Buy all this and you’ll surely transform yourself from Second Lady to First Class Tramp!