Dear Mr. Barr Service,
I solemnly swear that I am a highly qualified and famously excellent government official currently interviewing for a promotion to a very high court. Heretofore my sartorial choices have been irrelevant, but libelous rumors have emerged in recent weeks attempting to defame me as a lesbian (not that there’s anything wrong with that). It has been brought to my attention that my unflattering haircut, preference for block-heeled pumps, refusal to cross my legs when seated, love of softball and lack of children and/or man in my life somehow implies I prefer tacos over hot dogs. My boss’ wife, a noted fashion plate, suggested I contact you for advice on how to “femme up” my look.
Supremely Yours, Justice K.
Hey, hey, hey Justice K.,
Personally, I don’t see why you can’t be honest about your Dinah Shore Weekend tendencies. So what if you’re the Samantha Ronson of the High Court? There’s nothing fishy about that! But listen, I totally get that all those stuffy old Senators, especially toe-tappin’ Larry Craig, might be uncomfortable with your strapping glamour and try to dental dam your confirmation. I’ve thrown together a look I know will keep those closet doors firmly shut, for now. Feel free to send me a Home Depot gift card as a thank you.
Judith Lieber crystal-embellished dachshund clutch: $5,795
You may like pussy, but everyone likes dogs. Plus, a beaded wiener-dog clutch lets everyone think you not only enjoy sparkles, but also wieners.
Nike sports bra: $20
You don’t strike me as an underwire kind of girl.
Lee Angel silver-plated crystal bracelet: $170
I’m guessing you’re into home remodeling and have calloused hands? Toss a few rhinestones on and no one will notice!
Vac-U-Lock strap-on harness: $25
Just in case you forget yours at home.
Bottega Veneta jersey harem pants: $360
Let’s be real, you look butcher in a skirt than you do in a pant.
Giambattista Valli animal-print goat-hair jacket: $4,300
You’re a hot top, so you should wear a hot top.
Obama logo manicure: $29
Subtle, patriotic and feminine—everything you’re looking for!
Church’s classic brogues: $425
Please burn those Easy Spirit things I saw you wandering the Capitol in.
Kardashian Glamour Tan™ self-tanning gel: $34
Kim’s totally hot, right?
Make-Up Forever beauty essentials kit: $69
I’m guessing you and make-up have never been friends, but this includes a how-to guide.
Yves Saint Laurent Rouge Volupte Red Taboo lipstick: $34
After your confirmation hearing, wear this to Phase 1 (525 8th Street Southeast, D.C.) and you’re sure to score the hottest chick in the bar.
Shu Uemura Dazzling Diamante false eyelashes: $25
Oprah wears Shu Uemura false eyelashes and nobody thinks she’s a lesbian.
Grand total: $11,286
But listen, once you get confirmed, you better kick open those closet doors and show America the beautiful, intelligent, muff-loving mama that you are!