Barr Service

Dear Mr. Barr Service,
I solemnly swear that I am a highly qualified and famously excellent government official currently interviewing for a promotion to a very high court. Heretofore my sartorial choices have been irrelevant, but libelous rumors have emerged in recent weeks attempting to defame me as a lesbian (not that there’s anything wrong with that). It has been brought to my attention that my unflattering haircut, preference for block-heeled pumps, refusal to cross my legs when seated, love of softball and lack of children and/or man in my life somehow implies I prefer tacos over hot dogs. My boss’ wife, a noted fashion plate, suggested I contact you for advice on how to “femme up” my look.
Supremely Yours, Justice K.

Hey, hey, hey Justice K.,
Personally, I don’t see why you can’t be honest about your Dinah Shore Weekend tendencies. So what if you’re the Samantha Ronson of the High Court? There’s nothing fishy about that! But listen, I totally get that all those stuffy old Senators, especially toe-tappin’ Larry Craig, might be uncomfortable with your strapping glamour and try to dental dam your confirmation. I’ve thrown together a look I know will keep those closet doors firmly shut, for now. Feel free to send me a Home Depot gift card as a thank you.

Judith Lieber crystal-embellished dachshund clutch: $5,795
You may like pussy, but everyone likes dogs. Plus, a beaded wiener-dog clutch lets everyone think you not only enjoy sparkles, but also wieners.

Nike sports bra: $20
You don’t strike me as an underwire kind of girl.

Lee Angel silver-plated crystal bracelet: $170
I’m guessing you’re into home remodeling and have calloused hands? Toss a few rhinestones on and no one will notice!

Vac-U-Lock strap-on harness: $25
Just in case you forget yours at home.

Bottega Veneta jersey harem pants: $360
Let’s be real, you look butcher in a skirt than you do in a pant.

Giambattista Valli animal-print goat-hair jacket: $4,300
You’re a hot top, so you should wear a hot top.

Obama logo manicure: $29
Subtle, patriotic and feminine—everything you’re looking for!

Church’s classic brogues: $425
Please burn those Easy Spirit things I saw you wandering the Capitol in.

Kardashian Glamour Tan™ self-tanning gel: $34
Kim’s totally hot, right?

Make-Up Forever beauty essentials kit: $69
I’m guessing you and make-up have never been friends, but this includes a how-to guide.

Yves Saint Laurent Rouge Volupte Red Taboo lipstick: $34
After your confirmation hearing, wear this to Phase 1 (525 8th Street Southeast, D.C.) and you’re sure to score the hottest chick in the bar.

Shu Uemura Dazzling Diamante false eyelashes: $25
Oprah wears Shu Uemura false eyelashes and nobody thinks she’s a lesbian.

Grand total: $11,286

But listen, once you get confirmed, you better kick open those closet doors and show America the beautiful, intelligent, muff-loving mama that you are!

Hugs, Robbie

Email your problem and picture to Robert. If he’s moved, touched or turned on, he’ll virtually style you in the best fashion has to offer. Also visit his blog, The Barr Code.

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