I’m an internationally known humanitarian, actress, singer and supermodel currently engrossed in a BLOODY SCANDAL. A real bitch I’ll call “Sia Tarrow” ratted me out to the cops about a little old diamond some man I met a dinner party gave me as a GIFT! Turns out the old man was some kind of genocidal mass murderer who used smuggled diamonds to finance a civil war. How was I supposed to know? Money’s tight since I may have to pay all kinds of BULLSHIT fines for failing to mention the stone to UK Customs, so I need to go incognito until this blows over and not break the bank doing it. How do poor normal people dress nowadays?
My condolences on your predicament. What a mess! Being thin, rich and beautiful is a burden. What are those UK Customs assholes thinking? Don’t they know who you are? Plebeians! The world will be a duller (and less violent) place with you on the lam, but here’s an easy, breezy and totally economical look I threw together. No one will ever believe it’s you in this cheap shit!
Antthony tie-dye pants: $29
If you squint real hard and cross your eyes, the print on these looks like McQueen’s spring collection. Just because you’re broke and on the run doesn’t mean you have to abandon fashion altogether!
Quacker Factory denim “Jeanne” jacket: $42
Quacker Factory is the Alexander Wang of the limited mobility set. Nothing but the best for you.
Aussie Austine hat: $119
I know, I know, it’s expensive. But don’t you just love the way it ties your whole look together? Eleganza extravaganza!
Salvation Army ponytail wig: $29
I almost got you a sassy red wig called the Delilah, but this came with a free hair tie that matches the pants. I couldn’t resist.
LA Gear® Prediction toning Shoe: $39
Sans chauffeur you’ll be doing quite a bit of walking, so why not firm up those thighs? Forty is here, mama!
“it’s not pms, it’s you” T-shirt: $19
Might as well give people a warning.
Dirty old bra: free!
I found this near Junior’s on the corner of Flatbush and Atlantic. A little Clorox and she’ll be good as new.
99¢ Store cotton ladies brief: 99¢
I’ve read you don’t like wearing panties, so if you do decide to wear some, why not go for the comfiest ones you can find?
Goodwill faux leather purse/backpack: $12
We all know you’ve got baggage, so why not carry it in this stylish and versatile little number?
Pills traded for damaged BlackBerry
I’m not entirely sure what these do, but the guy at the “Health Food Store” told me they’d keep your highs low and your lows high.
Vintage cell phone: $14
You’d have to have arms like a shot putter to throw this at anyone.
Fake Oakleys: free!
I found these in a box from my high school raver days. My gift to you.
Why Men Love Bitches paperback edition: $9
Didn’t you write this?
Grand total: $315
Now turn that frown upside-down! Robert