@hintmag plz hlp me! Me = sometimes dyke & 4mer kid aktor (*) curNtly n legal probz 4 missN booze education clss. Totes 100% not my fault! I thort booze ed wuz somit u did n bars! normaly i dr$ 100% FASHION bt I need a court appropes look. Xxoo 😉 sevinnyne

Dear “sevinnyne,”
Listen, who hasn’t had a DUI? But let’s not dress under the influence too, okay? Looking right for a court appearance is all about channeling a film noir bombshell. Think Lana Turner, Lauren Bacall and Breathless Mahoney legal realness. With the look I’ve put together, you’re guaranteed to stay a free bitch…

La Perla feather G-string bodysuit: $470
Just in case you need to “chat” with the judge in his chamber, you’re ready!

Emanuel Ungaro pinstripe zip dress: $1,605
You designed this shit, right? You might as well wear it. Lord knows no one else wants it.

L’Wren Scott leather-trimmed lace hat: $595
Alexis Carrington always wore a hat to court.

Manolo Blahnik tassel pumps: $565
I know, I know! Boring. But you just can’t wear a hooker heel to court. (Unless you are a hooker?)

Chester Jeffries leather gloves: $100
How better to hide unseemly marks than with a fabulous gloves?

Christian Dior sunglasses (vintage): $275
Right before you spontaneously cry on the witness stand, slide these off when you need to add some extra drama.

Tiffany silver flask: $750
Take it from me, getting the sweats in court ain’t pretty. This should hold you over till you make it back to the car for a cocktail.

Tiffany silver pillbox: $325
For your vitamins, duh.

Replica “Chanel” handbag: $175
You’re broke, right? Just don’t let anyone get too close and they’ll never notice the wonky stitching.

The Meadows Addiction Treatment Center (35 days): $33,500
Just in case.

Grand total: $38,360

Wait! Hold the pixels. I’ve changed my mind. This is all you need…

One-way ticket to Bogota from LAX: $675
You know what, fuck my previous suggestions! You’re a young gal who just wants to have fun. Why do rehab? Why do court at all? Just throw some shit in a bag and hop on the next flight to Colombia. They’ve got everything need: ample work on telenovelas, plenty of lady DJs, nightlife and tons of, um, well…

New grand total: $675

Keep Your Nose Clean,
Rob

Email your problem and picture to Robert. If he’s moved, touched or turned on, he’ll virtually style you in the best fashion has to offer. Also visit his blog, The Barr Code.