My name is Abigail. If you watch the devil box you’ve seen me. I was one of the Prophet’s celestial wives living on a rustic Mormon compound in beautiful Eldorado, Texas. Unfortunately, my dear spouse, the Prophet, wasn’t always as thorough as he should have been checking my sister wives’ IDs. He is currently serving 7-10 years in federal prison for statutory rape. Alas, life on the compound is pretty dull without him, so I’ve decided to move in with my whore of an excommunicated sister in New York City and become a career woman! I’ll be answering the phones in something called an “art gallery” in West Chelsea and she says my prairie garb won’t cut it. Can you suggest a “fashion forward” get-up that’s still a little modest?
First of all, I think your pastel sheath is a-ok for the big city (people will think you’re a Marc Jacobs intern, which is v.v. hip). “Modest” is a tricky word when it comes to high fashion, but I’ve put together a look that I think will help you transition smoothly from life as a prairie polygamist to Manhattan gallerista…
Jil Sander leather shoulder bag: $1,375
This purse is roomy enough for you to keep a Book of Mormon, a dental dam, a few copies of Art Forum, a rape whistle and a can of pepper spray—everything you’ll need for your new life here in the Big Apple.
Rick Owens crocodile leather vest: $11,415
Eve was tempted by a serpent, so why not let Rick, a fashion god, tempt you with this reptilian vest? Put it on and maybe you’ll meet your very own Adam (that you won’t have to share with 40 other women).
Vivienne Westwood suede pirate boots: $510
Just like you’re escaping the compound, Abigail, sometimes a career woman needs to make a dash for it. And I doubt you’re ready to sprint down West 22nd in Louboutins, so let’s start with these and work our way up to a stiletto.
Philip Treacy disc headpiece: $1,440
God can see you better from heaven when you’re wearing a hat, so why not this fabulous Philip Treacy, complete with a modesty veil?
Maison Martin Margiela cobweb crochet shrug: $395
This works with that whole pioneer woman vibe you compound girls like to serve. No need to completely abandon your style, Abigail!
Tom Binns for Disney Couture “Wonderland through the Keyhole” necklace: $1498
You’re gonna be working in an art gallery, so why not wear a little art?
Bless glasses: $305
These will keep people from wondering why you’ve got that Stepford-wife zombie look in your eyes. Not to mention they’re from Bless, which is what you’re all about, right?
Gareth Pugh shirt: $1828
Buttoned-up doesn’t have to mean buttoned down!
Naughty Lola red velvet cross corset: $79
A corset with a cross, what could be better? Show your faith and lift your tits at the same time. Hallelujah!
Jil Sander A-line wool skirt: $1345
This skirt is as “modest” as I could find without hitting the Hassidic shops in Williamsburg.
Markus Lupfer beaded leggings: $350
No more full-body Temple underwear for you, girl. God wants you to sparkle everywhere, including your thighs.
Raquel Welch “Sharp” wig: $110
Why chop off that divine ass-length hair of yours when all you need for your new city girl look is a sassy new wig?
Grand total: $20,650
Don’t worry, you’ll clear an easy $40,000 for that baby on the Upper East Side.
Welcome to the big city! Robert